Dear +639277014846,

Who are you?

I received like eight calls from you last night which I was unfortunately unable to take.

Kamusta ka naman?

Ako, ok lang. Ito, nagb-blog therapy, kasi parang kailangan ko. Ehhh... Pasensya ka, ikaw ang napag-tripan kong sulatan.

Kamusta naman ako? Masaya naman. Pero di ko alam. Gemini ako, eh. I am capable of feeling two or more separate and completely opposite emotions at the same time. Add to that na babae ako, so talagang magulo akong kausap.

Alam mo, merong mga bagay that just have to go without saying. Because it would be too hurtful to say it. Kung kaya namang pakiramdaman, eh di iparamdam mo na lang diba? Yun lang, puro second-guesses. Kaya anlabo. The thing is the truth hurts. And I usually hate it when I have to be the one to deliver it. Nakaka-guilty eh.

Ikaw, paano mo ba sasabihin na ayaw mo na? Kung sa mga bagay, circumstances, or anything else, ok lang diba? Madali lang naman sabihin... Ayoko. Ganon lang. Eh paano kung tao ang inaayawan mo?

Di'ba ang hirap?

Paano kasi, yung taong sasabihan nakakaramdam yun. At shempre pag sinabi mong ayaw mo sa kanya, magiisip yun kung ano ang defect n'ya at inaayawan mo s'ya. Ok lang sana kung gusto mo talaga s'yang saktan. Pero paano kung hindi?

Paano kung ayaw mo lang kasi ayaw mo. It's a personal preference. Kasi meron lang mga tao na hindi magkakasundo... No offense to the other party. Hindi ka galit sa kanya. Na-realize mo lang na di talaga kayo dapat magkasama.

I believe in destiny. I believe some things are just destined to be that way. Broken. Fixed. Good. Bad. Everything will fall where they're supposed to fall. So kung hindi ok, it's probably not meant to be ok. Siguro ako din naman kasi ang may defect. Oo, inaamin ko. Defective ako. Ba't ikaw, perfect ka ba? I always deal with absolutes. To some extent I can probably compromise, pero if I have to exert so much effort into something na hindi ko naman gusto... Aayaw na talaga ako. Kasi may nagturo sa'kin na ang mga excess baggage ay dapat iniiwan. Sure, you'd love to have stuff. And sure, you can lug that around all your life. Pero pabigat. Effort. So... Iwan na.

Mahirap sabihin yan, di'ba? Kaya ako, pag nararamdaman ko yan... Pinaparamdam ko na lang. It's too hurtful to say it. To someone's face, no less. Kasi kahit paano mo bali-baliktarin, the other person will take it personally. Even if it is for everyone's good. Ikaw parin ang lalabas na bitch, kasi ikaw yung umayaw dahil nabibigatan ka nang magdala.

Ang gulo no?

Oh di samahan mo pa nito... Paano mo sasabihin sa tao na pagod ka nang maging doormat n'ya? ...Na tao ka, at hindi ka inanimate object na pwede na lang apak-apakan and still have the words "Welcome!" with exclamation point in script font stamped on your forehead. Pwede ba yun? Shempre hindi. At shempre pag sinabi mo yun, aalsa din ang pinagsabihan mo, kasi magm-mukha s'yang masama, pero ang totoo n'yan, ikaw ang may kasalanan ng lahat, kasi pumayag kang maging doormat.

Shempre, kung biglang in the middle of everything biglang ayaw mo na maging doormat, magigitla yung isa, kasi nasanay na s'ya sa'yo. Na ganon ka. What if, naging magkaibigan lang talaga kayo kasi yun yung characteristic na nagustuhan n'ya sa'yo? Na todo pasa ka lang? Na lahat ok, kahit hindi na, sige lang?

Ang gulo na talaga no?

Oh i-duet mo pa dito... Paano kung pumapayag kang maging doormat at dinadala ang excess baggage na yun, dahil at one point minahal mo s'ya? Oh diba? Ang labo, men. Paano pag nawala na yung pagm-mahal? Ewan ko ikaw, pero ako, ang emotional process ko goes from love which could turn into hate which will eventually turn into indifference...

...Ang hirap sabihin non, di'ba love? Actually, yung indifference talaga ang nakaka-guilty. At least kung hate, galit ka, gusto mong makasakit. So sige lang go! Pero yung indifference. Ang hirap non. Nakaka-guilty na nga na maramdaman yun, pero yung sasabihin mo pa. Wow. Tsk. Mas maganda sigurong umiwas ka na lang diba?

Pero paano kung umiiwas ka nga, pero ikaw naman ang nilalapitan, kasi hindi pa pala kayo on the same page... Akala mo you were, pero hindi pa pala. Akala n'ya doormat ka parin n'ya at akala n'ya kaya mo parin s'yang dalhin, when truthfully, matagal mo na s'yang iniwan, at yung "Welcome!" sign na dating nakatatak sa forehead mo, ay napalitan na ng "Beware of Dog". Hahaha. Paano kung ganon?

Paano kung kahit paramdam ka na ng paramdam, at kung kulang pa yun, sumulat ka pa. Sure, my blog is for no one specific and everyone in general, pero still:

http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1003/Dear_Memory
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1006/Suntok_sa_buwan...
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1017/My_Pandoras_Box
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1016/Dear_Nobody
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1018/2023
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1026/Dear_L.
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1028/Dear_Little_Mister_Wanty_Wanter
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1039/Dear_S.
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1052/Dear_1536

Paano kung hindi nabasa? At kung nabasa man, eh hindi naman naramdaman?

Eh di, kailangan mo na talagang sabihin ang dapat pinaparamdam mo na lang.

...At paano kung nasabi mo na nga?

Edi dapat tapos na?

Eh paano kung hindi? I mean, in essence tapos na nga... Pero parang ang bigat. Parang mas pumanget pa... Tsk.

What should have been a quiet and graceful exit has now become an explosive door slamming extravaganza...

Oh well.


As Always,
D.