Dear Speedy Perfection,

I had a weird dream. Don't you just love it when I start off with that? Haha.

I dreamt that everything happened just so incredibly fast. And before I could even blink, I was married... And it wasn't just any guy... He was the guy. The perfect catch. The blessing from God. THE guy.

Evenso... It was way too fast, even for me, and I've been planning to get married since I was eight. It was like I was ambushed, but in a good way... I mean, we were just talking all normal-like and then on a whim, but kind of like a well-thought out whim, sort of like we're-meant-to-be-anyway-so-why-wait kind of whim, we got married.

It was a weird feeling. It was like a life-changing, split-second thing. One moment, I was just doing my thing and the next I was known as this guy's wife. Not that being this guy's wife was a bad thing... It was just weird, because the whole time, I've just been invisible and suddenly, voila, there I am, the center of attention. The girl on the sidelines who got lucky and nabbed the perfect guy.

His parents loved me which was great. I was a little embarassed and I kept apologizing to them because everything just happened so fast, but they were happy and said that they couldn't have imagined their son being with anyone else and as fast as it was, it was just the right time.

And though most people seemed happy about the union, there will almost always be some nay-sayers with some very deep regrets... Which unfortunately, I could not entertain or soothe as it was all too late... I was married. And that was the end of it.

...Which was also a funny thing, how fast I switched from this selfish, self-involved, self-loving girl, to the wife who was effectively devoted to her husband, I mean... Suddenly, my life switched purposes and I had this definitive need to submit to my husband. And it wasn't like a forced thing. But more like human nature... It was like I was meant to do it and I was ... happy.

The problem was that... I felt like I had to keep his reputation to the rest of the world pure and his vision of me unscathed... And he had a pretty twisted vision of me, like I was this good girl who could do no wrong. I kept feeling that I had to hide some side of myself from him and for him, because I was not good enough.

...And dream or not, this is painfully true.

I'm hardly perfect. I'm not conventionally beautiful. I have stretchmarks and cellulite. My skintone is not evenly distributed all over my body. If I don't bathe, I will smell. My farts stink and so does my crap. I pee. I have scars. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I have moments of weakness, laziness, madness, and stupidity, too. I'm human. God is still working on me, spritually. I don't have a halo and I've never had one. I'm not perfect.

But as it seems from the dream, I can love perfectly. And I know that in reality, I can and I will love perfectly... I just wish that when I do get ambushed, I won't be as imperfect as my dream cut me out to be.

Maybe my dream was telling me to work on myself in preparation for the day when I get ambushed in reality. ...Yes, I expect to be ambushed in the future. Because that's how the life-changing circumstances has almost always been in my life. A big shocking surprise in speedy perfection.


As Always,
D.