An hour ago, for about four minutes and two seconds, I toyed with the idea of just going back to that comfortably miserable stage in my life that lasted a decade. The stage where I was in love with you, the idea of you, and the idea of loving you.
I thought about how great it would be if I were to just still be in love with you without you ever knowing it...
I thought about how epic it would seem that I would just long for you knowing that what I long for could never be realized and yet, I would still be there equipped with such unwavering love for you, never asking or wanting anything in return, just loving you.
I thought about how terrible it was to just give up on love like that. How selfish! That just because my idea of how love was supposed to be between you and me was not realized in the way that I thought it should, did that mean that I should just give up loving you?
I thought about how I moved on from that place where you left me and how selfish that act was. That because I had to get on with my life; And that I had to think of myself; And that I should stop loving someone who would not be able to return that love, because I deserve better.
Love is supposed to be patient and it is supposed to endure... Who gets to have a say on how long that patience is supposed to be? Who gets to have a say on what is perceived as idiotic or what constitutes as martyrdom when it comes to loving somebody? I mean, ultimately, loving somebody is sacrificing yourself.
And I feel that these thoughts are taunting me, because I'll probably never know whether my decision to move on was for the best or that my decision to stop loving you was right.
Forgive me. It's just that this song gets me everytime... And everytime I hear it, for about four minutes and two seconds, I'm haunted by the love that I gave up.
As Always,
D.
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