Ex-Management101 -- Make sure you change your password. Because they will hack into your account and eff you up.

Relationship Etiquette 101 -- Sana wag awayin ang other woman. Awayin ang asawa or bf, please, kasi yun ang may commitment sa'yo. Thanks.

Kiligness -- Guy: "I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for you." (6FU)

Ex Factor -- You will not get over him if you don't want to.

Dear Clarity,

Sometimes the truth hits you so hard that you fall to the ground and are rendered powerless. You feel numb at first, but slowly the pain creeps up on you, until that's all you can think about. And there you are, on the floor; hurt, broken, torn and unable to move, and left with nothing, but muddled feelings and melancholic thoughts.

In your pain, you choose to blame your agony on something or someone. But I hope you realize that it's the wrong way to go, because ultimately it doesn't matter who's at fault. The damage has been done and no amount of blame could repair that damage.

Whether the truth that hit you is that who you love no longer loves you, could no longer love you, should no longer love you, or worse yet, has never loved you...

...Or that the love you shared was tainted right from the beginning.

...Or maybe even that perfect isn't good enough... That perfect is just too good to be true, so it can only remain as such. A dream that can never come true.

No matter the circumstance, I realize that you really can't blame anyone or anything for hurting you, because you let him, her, or it hurt you. You allowed yourself to be hurt.

And you can't blame yourself either, because you're human and as such you're bound to feel hurt.

Be thankful for the pain, because it means that you can feel.

Sometimes the truth hits you hard that you fall to the ground and are rendered powerless...

Well, stand up, kid! You ain't dead yet.


As Always,
D.

Hi 4:10 a.m., kamusta ka naman?

Post-NOT-SO-Secret!!! -- I think my first secret should be reiterated. Just because.

PostSecret!!! -- I don't have the heart...

Ex Factor -- I just realized that all of them dumped me, but they were all kind of slick making me think that I was the one who broke it off.

Dear Lie,

I meant to actually write this along with the shorts that I meant to post, but am still not able to, because I can't seem to upload photos.

I could of course hold off until then, but as you might have noticed I'm not very good with the holding off and the waiting. I would fail that marshmallow test big time.

This morning, I saw "He's just not that into you". And yeah, go ahead, think of me what you will, be it clueless, lost, or shallow, I don't mind. I love this movie. It really got to me.

I was actually able to relate to all the characters. The wise yet somehow jaded guy. The one who cheated. The one who got cheated on. The other woman. The one who would have been perfect just not for that particular person. The girl who can't seem to find a guy offline or online. And the clueless gal who just keeps getting it wrong.

The lies that women say to each other is just really... Shocking.

I know because I've been told these lies and I've said these lies to a lot of women. Sometimes, blatantly knowing that they were lies and sometimes not. But ultimately, they were lies.

A guy doesn't call and to console you say a variety of bs to console your wounded friend's ego. Oftentimes, you say it coupled with the words "Trust me".

Whether they meant it or not, it's a lie.

A guy sends mixed signals and a friend interprets them as "Oh he probably loves you, but he just can't bring himself to it yet, because of the complicated situation.", and seeing as your friend is either in a relationship or is probably even married, you believe them.

Whether they mean it or not, it's a lie.

A guy refuses to marry you even after years of being together... Your friends console you by saying, "Oh you know what? He loves you, babe. You're his world. He's just not ready yet. You know how men are... They're babies."

I meant this and I'm sure whoever else says this means it, too... But I realize it's a lie.

A guy cheats on you and your friends console you saying, "Oh you know what? That was just a moment of weakness. All men have it. Given the chance, given the opportunity, all men do it. If you're gonna leave him just for that, then forget a relationship with all other men."

I actually believe this, but to some extent, it's still a lie.

As the movie did imply, the thing is, we all think we're the exception, but really we're the rule. If a guy doesn't call you, he's not interested. If he's not willing to marry you, he's just not that into you. If he sends mixed signals, well he's probably just as confused as you are, you can wait and get all mixed up yourself, but the wise thing is to just walk away. If he cheats on you, he is a douchebag, and he's just not that into you. Oh and if a guy can lie to you about a tiny little thing, he will lie to you about the big things.

I love how the movie just got the dating games right down to T. I mean, we can just stop with all the vagueness, but there's no fun in that. Although, when it comes to letting go and moving on that should be as clear as day.

But sometimes we don't know where to see clearly and where to blur out those lines.

I love how it ended... How you'll see the exceptions and you'll see the rules... And how sometimes, your happy ending is putting the broken pieces of yourself back together and moving on. And that though you may have been the rule this time or you'll be the rule for the next and the next and the next, one day you just might be the exception.

I'm not gonna lose that hope. I will be the exception someday. One of these days, I will get my happy ending.

I'd rather be hurt a million times, because at least at those times, I realize that I can feel.


As Always,
D.

P.S.: The movie's end credits played "Friday, I'm in love" by The Cure. I think it's symbollic, don't you? So yeah, for all the women, including myself, who has been the rule forever, do not be jaded...

It's only Monday. Who knows? Come Friday, you might be in love, too. Kisses!

Monday, you can fall apart. :)

I love November!!! I love December!!! October, maybe I'll like an appropriate amount... Of course, it's too soon to tell, who knows? Hihihi.

Wow...

The conversation according to a trusted friend:

Feeling: Musta?
Trusted Friend: Ok lang. Ikaw? Ok ka ba?
Feeling: Hindi eh.
Trusted Friend: Cool ka lang. Pabayaan mo na. Lilipas din yan.
Feeling: Hindi na lilipas 'to. Paki-sabi na lang sa kanya tigilan na ang pagb-blog tungkol sa'kin.

Anakng... At akala mo naman. Just so you know, marami pang ibang tao sa mundo. Hindi lang ikaw.

Advice lang ha. Wag angkinin ang hindi iyo. Thanks.

Dead Dog

D: Alam mo, sobrang magmahal ang mga katulad namin. Hihi.
Friend: Yeah... Eh sobra din naman magmahal ang katulad nung isa...
D: De pero iba kami... Sobrang love to the maxxxx. As in dead na dead. Tipong kahit iwan mo iintayin ka. ...Parang dog lang.
Friend: Hahaha.

LOL.

I miss HumbleVoice. :( Sigh...

Don't wait. The road is now a sudden sea. And suddenly, you're deep enough to lay your armor down.

Kating-kati na akong lumipad ... Kasi ako si Darna. Nyahahaha. Anuvey? Itch na itch na akong lumeaving-on-a-jetplane. Guhguh. It's like so anuvey... Fail talaga ako sa marshmallow test ever.

Today's Tiny Little Wonderment: Have I lost it? Have I just become complacent? Or am I just not in the mood? ...Either way, photography-wise, today was an absolutely awful day.

Excuse me, Multiply... Pwedeng magtanong? Ba't nags-sarili ka? Kahapon ka pa. Binabago mo ang access ng post ko. Ano meron?

Bida | Kontrabida

"Naalala ko dati nung nag-away kayo before you left... Sabi n'ya ang pinaka-masakit daw ay alam n'ya na kahit iwan ka n'ya, makakabangon ka na lang ng basta basta na parang walang nangyari. Na kahit s'ya yung mangiwan, s'ya yung mang-gago ay parang s'ya parin yung iniwanan mo at na-gago mo." -- H.

Naisip ko lang na napakadaling pagpalitin nitong dalawang salitang ito.

Depende na kung saan mo tinitignan.

Depende kung paano naikwento ang storya.

At depende na lalo kung kasama ka sa storya.

Natural, sa storya mo, ikaw ang bida... At kung sino man ang kakalaban sa'yo ay ang kontrabida.

Pero ako kasi, kahit sa storya ng buhay ko, kontrabida talaga ako... Mas ok ako sa ganon, dahil hindi ako komportable ng kina-aawaan ako at binibigyan ng simpatya. Balewalain ang tiniis at pinasan. Balewalain ang hinanakit. Masaklap, malabo, at magulo na nga ang storya mo, pa-victim ka pa... Kawawa ka naman kung ganon di'ba?

Bida. Kontrabida.

Depende talaga kung saan mo tinitignan. Depende kung paano naikwento ang storya. At depende kung kasama ka sa storya.

...

You are the hero in your story. Naturally. And I'm your villain. That's ok. Even in my own story, I'm the villain, anyway. So really, it's fine, I understand. Your hate feels a lot better.

I don't need your pity. I'm a cold-hearted bitch. I'll survive.

You, on the other hand, don't have a personality strong enough to be the bad guy. You live off of people's sympathy, it's who you are and it's how you get by. I realize this, because you lived off of mine. Oh, but don't feel bad... Or you know what, go ahead. Feel bad. Feel absolutely terrible.

What? I'm the villain, remember, I'm supposed to say stuff like that and laugh.

Hahaha.

Danabelle in Private Dancer Shorts

I should be dancing...

But I'm blogging.

How fun!

Haha.

--------------------------------

Actually, I'm blogging in between steps... So I guess that's ok.

Crud. How long has it been since I last danced?

Hella long.

But yo, for those who have been following the Danabelle Diet Thingyblahblah.

I'm doubledigitting! Yeah, baybee.

Of course, it should have been a lower number by now, if I had been dancing like I should.

Tsk.

...That and not eating like an oinkoink.

--------------------------------

Sooo... What's in store for today?

Edumucationwise:

I needsss to watch the DVD for Unit 2.

Do the tests.

Hopefully take peekchurs later this afternoon. I found a perfect place for the size depth of field thingy.

For the unit two photo projects, I'm thinking of doing some awesome tabletop thingers.

I haven't done that in a long time.

Then try to read up on the business unit, which is one of the biggest reasons why I took this course anyway.

I hope I get to do all these.

Personalwise:

I want to get a move-on on the projects that have taken the backseat since the beginning of time. LOL.

--------------------------------

For reals, though. I'm really thankful for the time that I now have. Despite the things that have happened for me to actually be awarded with this time... I'm glad.

--------------------------------

Sooo... I'm kind of in waiting.

It'll either be October or December...

And I'm still not sure when.

--------------------------------

Sooo... I'm on the second CD of the fourth season of One Tree Hill...

Gaaah. The suspsense is killing me!

Oh and I'm in love with Nick.

What? He's hot and he's latino. Ayayay... Yo quiero Boricua! ...Or something or other. LOL.

--------------------------------

Here's something that might be of interest...

Nyahahaha.

I'm actually dancing in my underwear.

It's a thong with diamonds right above the buttcrack.

I'm trying to pretend that I'm dancing for money so I'm kinda forced to dance so I'll kinda give it all that I can so I can get tips.

Bwahahaha. What? I never claimed to be normal.

Clip that dolla bill on me, baybee!

LMAO.

Toodles!

Ehhh paano kung POGI si Danabelle?

70's Rock Star Margarine

20's Dapper Fairy Godfather

Nyahahaha.

Yun lang.

"I feel like I've gone to the deepest end of the ocean and..." -- I'm trying to remember how this line ends... I knew I wrote it down somewhere, but I can't find it now.

Vain Reminiscence

I like to re-read things that I've written.

Yes, it is a vain act. But have we forgotten that I am a narcissist?

It's a funny feeling when I go through archives... I sometimes find myself going, "Crud. I wrote that?!?!".

Either because, I realize that some things never really change.

"

To be seen, but not touched. To be heard, but not spoken to. To remain pure, but covered in that dirty water that everyone seems to be intrigued by.

It's about being there, but not really. Being yourself, but not really. Being private, but not really.

...

...Yes, I'm selfish. Evasive, too.

"

Aquarium
The Desert Pearl

Or because, at the time, it meant nothing, but now, it seems brilliant...

"
Pride is a hysterical thing. It's funny seeing it manifest itself in different ways. And I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but who the f cares?

It's absolutely beautiful.

If you watch and listen closely, you'll laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Take for example, when people say that they don't care. The very act of having to say that out loud negates it's essence. Because you want people to know that "you don't care". But you do care. If you really didn't care, you wouldn't say anything. You wouldn't need to tell anybody that you don't care, because you don't care. You would just be silent and not care.

I know this for a fact, because I've done it many times. And it's absolutely hilarious.

"

Danabelle in Nude Shorts

Inside Dana's Head - Multiply

Or because since most of the things that I put out there are about nothing or no one specific and everything or everyone in general, I myself tend to forget the cryptic message that I left on there and I can't seem to remember what that particular write-up was about...

"

I screwed up, because, I'm starting to excel at not giving a crap. I would actually tell you of all the minute little details expressing why that is, but really, I don't give a crap.

"

I screwed up...
Inside Dana's Head - Multiply

Or because it was about some other completely different circumstance, but can now be applied to current circumstances...

"

There are some things that when they happen, leave you dazed and confused. I've gone from place to place wondering when I'll be able to stop and just feel for what is happening, instead of over-analyzing it and allowing myself to get lost in that.

Not that I really feel anything, anyway. I'm a rock. Desensitized from all the things that have come and gone. But that's not exactly the point.

The point is, no matter how hard you try to escape the inevitable, it will catch up to you and bite you in the ass. And you realize that what you've spent all this time aspiring for is not really what you want.

There's something about a war that it sometimes makes enemies come together and fight for the same cause, but at the same time, it sometimes allows for best friends to become the worst of enemies. It brings people closer together. And it tears families apart. War is never really a good thing. The worst part is when you're waging a war against yourself. A fight to keep sane. A fight against what you believe is right and what seems right for the moment. A fight to live for what you want and wanting the life that you're living.

There's nothing worth fighting for and that which are would be destroyed if fought for. It is fragile, breakable, and will shatter at the slightest touch. Yet the fight for it has begun knowing full-well that it might not survive the harshness of what is going to happen and what was bound to happen.

There's something about a war... And what it is, is best left unwritten.

"
There's something about a war...
Inside Dana's Head - Blogspot

Mostly...

Most of the time, most of the things I write are mostly powerful truths that I believe with such powerful conviction...

Honestly, I'm mostly just waiting for someone to prove me wrong.

Heartless

Female: Where do we go from here?
Male: You've caused a lot of damage. Are you happy now?
Female: How bad is the damage?
Male: More than you expected.
Female: Fair enough. But you still haven't answered my question. Where do we go from here?
Male: Nowhere.
Female: Could you please get past your anger and talk to me like an adult?
Male: I just don't want to talk right now. Especially to you. I'm sorry, but I'm just telling the truth.
Female: You don't have to apologize for the truth. And I understand that you're still at that place. What I said back then still rings true. I'll step back.
Male: This is not about that. Your problem is you can't feel that you've already hurt other people. You're a robot. You don't have a heart.
Female: Yeah... See I would be hurt by that statement, but like you said... I don't have a heart.

My Television Show

I love stories. Television shows, specifically.

You know the great thing about television shows are that they are given a longer timespan than movies or books... Enough time for you to actually savor the story and enough time for character development to go in a little deeper.

If you didn't already know, I am enamored by TV shows. I love the many different stories that bombard you week after week. And the drama just doesn't seem to end. As soon as you get to a resolve, it goes back up again.

But you know what? Although, we're all itching for the drama crap to be over, without it there would be no show.

...This is my life. Though these tiny little electronic letters that you read through your computer screen are not as visually appealing as watching talking and moving pictures, these snippets are the tiny little episodes in my world right now.

Right now it's at a dramatic pinnacle. I'm not sure whether it's a cliffhanger season ender or smashing season premiere.

Whichever it is... I can tell that the next few episodes are bound to be good.

Hi. I'm Kip. :)

Dear Mr. Brown,

He reminds of you.

You have that same see-right-through-me thing going on; the same sign; and you even have the same name.

Fancy that... If that's not enough, I met you during the whole Leonard debacle and I'm now meeting him during the whole Leonard's Doppelganger debacle.

Funny. History does have a habit of repeating itself.

He's just like you. Of course, you're the brooding silent-type, while he's a lot more like me. Playful. Maybe, it's the age difference. But, oh no wait, that can't be right, because he's now the same age as you when I first met you seven years ago. Maybe the playfulness is just a façade and that deep down at his core, I'll probably find that older and wiser guy persona that you seem to have mastered.

You know it's a good thing that the idea of him & me is now tainted. I can't fall for him even if I wanted to. And deep down, I know I really want to... But I just can't. I know that if I tell you why, you would just laugh and call me on it whilst making me feel like such a stupid child, an act that you seem to have perfected over the short time that I've known you.

But you know what despite my desires and the hope that it could go right this time, I really am thankful that I can't do what I want to... Because I know that just like you, he will eventually give up. I will exhaust him just as I exhausted you. He will grow weary of having to take care of me, just like you did. Granted, I no longer am the wild thang that you once knew. I grew up like you said I should. In essence, sort of, but not really.

Judging from the recent debacle, I still deal with absolutes. In a lot of ways, I'm still a child. I probably always will be. And though I know that this could actually work given that either you or him could be grown up enough for the both of us. Eventually, it would just be too much... And he will give up just like you did. It just requires too much energy to have to carry on a relationship with a child.

Oh but how I love his insightful nature. He is just like you. Maybe even smarter. So much so, that I'll bet he probably knows that he is who I'm writing to you about...

No matter the case, it's just funny how some things are just doomed from the start. And it's funny how history repeats itself just to rub it in.


As Always,
D.


P.S.: I miss you.

Thank you India. Thank you providence. Thank you disillusionment. Thank you nothingness. Thank you clarity. Thank you, thank you silence.

Blahahaha. Ay natawa ako. Sorry. Dapat pala malungkot ako. Pero, pero, pero... Nyahahaha. Natatawa ako.

Tsk. Marami talagang photographers na mayabang... Tsk. Hindi dahil nagpakahirap ka to know what you know, should you make other people experience the same. Hindi mo man alam, I followed your progress, and yes, I am amazed at the progress that you've made, but your selfish ways are even more amazing. Tsktsk.

...Re-reading old blogposts. I love how circular things turn out to be. Either I'm a mind-reader and I can tell what the future holds... Or history is a big fan of repeating itself. It's most likely the latter. But I like to think that it's both.

Dear 09:06

I woke up fairly early this morning. Of late I've been feeling like I shouldn't waste a wink of my time on sleep. There are a million things to do, a billion thoughts that are to be pondered, and a few lessons to be learned.

You don't know me. You do in essence, but I'm pearlescent. The slightest shift could change how I appear and what you thought you knew suddenly doesn't seem right any longer. It could be a drastic change or one that could be overlooked. But it is a change.

Truth be told, I've been rudely awakened at a very early stage. And what I used to be; what I'd still like to be; what I appear to you; is no longer who I am. Maybe, to protect myself, I've just learned to ride the tumultuous waves of another person's emotions. Or maybe, I've always been like this, but I never realized the intensity of how I feel.

I feel deeply. And my feelings are oftentimes smarter than I am. They have more insight. And it's a good thing that they do, because more often than not, I am clueless and my mind's reaction time isn't that fast. My feelings however react swiftly and automatically. They mirror whatever emotion you have a little more vividly and clearly without giving it a second thought. Oftentimes, they do it without consulting with my mind...

If I flirt with you, it's because you started it. If I puzzle you, it's because you make me think. If I love you, it's because you love me. If I hurt you, it's because you hurt me or that I know you will. If I refuse to be around you, it's because you don't want me around. ...And if you don't believe me, it's ok, your mind still probably hasn't caught up with how you feel yet, but if and when it does, you will look back on this and realize that... I was just agreeing with you.

Always have and always will.


As Always,
D.

Pahabol...

H: Psst. Ano gawa mo?
D: Patulog na. Ano meron?
H: Umalis na.
D: Talaga? Kelan? Baket? Anong nangyari? Ay. Teka ang tsismosa ko. LOL.
H: Oo. Kanina lang. Basta umalis lang. Nagpapahabol ata.
D: Ay bongga. Hinahabol naman ba?
H: Hindi eh. Parang iba ang gustong habulin. Hihihi.
D: Blahahaha. Well... Mahirap habulin ang hindi naman lumayo...
H: Ikaw... Ikaw... Dapat sa'yo binabaril sa Luneta.
D: Nyahahaha. Teka di pa tapos eh... Mahirap habulin ang hindi naman lumayo, pero may hawak na pangpukpok sa kung sino man ang lalapit. Hahaha.
H: Ahahaha. Ang tarayyyyyy.
D: Akufey!

Quotable Quote

"

You can look at it for as long as you want and you can say all of the great compliments that your mind could think of...

But at the end of the day, you and I both know that...

Pictures lie.

"

Danabelle Gutierrez
Sometime around I forget when it was...

Aramex, bussett ka. You said my Nathanlovelovelove would be here now. Naman eh.

I miss Swensens Macadamia Ice Cream. Nomnomnom.

Danabelle in Toasted Shorts

Wow. So I haven't shorted in like forever.

Kamusta naman ako?

Ayun. Same old, same old.

------------------------------------------------------------

Our cute little babyblue toaster is all wonky.

Frick.

It refuses to lock.

So basically, you'd have to hold down the lever for it to toast anything.

Tsk.

So if one day you see me in our kitchen all antsy and holding the toaster lever you'll know it's not because I'm hella excited to get my toast.

------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of toasters...

Why do all toasters seem to have that superduper high heat option that you'll never ever get to use?

...Unless you want charred remains of what used to be food.

------------------------------------------------------------

I am currently noting all my contacts down.

I have to change my phone unit, because it just up and decided to not let me hear calls.

Tsk.

I don't really know why I'm bothering... I never know where my phone is anyway.

...That and lagi din naman akong walang load.

I should probably just give up my simcard.

LOL.

------------------------------------------------------------

Sooo... What has been up?

I've been reading up on Unit Two.

...I haven't been in the mood to shoot for reals, because I only want to use every photocreative bone in my body for the photo projects.

Yeah, I'm weird and anal.

Wassup?

LOL.

Anyway, since I do not feel like shooting... I did this last Thursday instead:

Photo courtesy of Monsieur Mckie Alvarez

------------------------------------------------------------

We went to Fujairah last Monday. ...said the girl to merit some type of extravagant response.

LOL.

But like I said I haven't been in the mood to shoot.

Add to the fact that it was hella hot. And the high-maintenance girl was just in a terrible mood.

Hence... Not a lot of peekchurs.

Smile! You're in... Saan nga ba 'to?

Semi-circle tunnel.

Zoomzoomzoom.

Go towards the light.

We had like seven cars. Can you believe it?

Lover and Christianneloves. :)

Jaywalkers. LOL.

Christianneloves freaking out 'cause the boys were being boys.

Lover and me making pampam. LOL.

Marcmarc!

Jamfshat.

iLoveYouClouds. :)

Squaretunnel. ...I was waiting for a triangular tunnel. :( But there was none.

...What? It's not highly improbable... I mean a mountain is essentially triangular in shape. There should be a triangular tunnel.

I demand a triangular tunnel!

LOL.

Fiknik with about a few thousand other people.

Lover! Look. Nakuhanan ko pala si Crush. ...Andun pala s'ya.

I'm so daft. I never notice stuff, even ones that are already right in front of me. Tsk.

Bato-bato-pik really has some pretty awesome benefits. LOL.

------------------------------------------------------------

Thus endeth the photoblog.

I didn't bring my camera to the beach na...

It was too hot and I really was in no mood to shoot.

------------------------------------------------------------

Oooh! Oooh!

I almost forgot. I got the eighth season of Scrubs last week.

(Last week. Tsk. Old news. Ang tagal ko na talaga di nag-shorts.)

It was awesome. I couldn't stop laughing.

Sings: "It's guy love between two guys..."

LOL.

------------------------------------------------------------

I saw Hairspray (Thank you, Marc. I'll return it along with your towel. I was gonna bring it over today, but the towel wasn't dry yet.) last night. It was so cute!

And yeah yeah... You don't have to rub in the fact that I probably liked it because I was able to relate because she's tubby.

I know I'm tubby.

But like the movie said:

Why would you want a twig if you can have the whole tree?

Nyahahaha.

------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, I ended up chatting with three different librans all at the same time.

I love them.

They're such an awesome astrological breed.

------------------------------------------------------------

There's this thing that I've been trying to work on, but I haven't been able to concentrate on just yet.

Hopefully, this week I'll be able to do something about it.

It should prove to be just a big hunk of awesomenessment.

------------------------------------------------------------

I hate it when something pushes me to drop my sensitivity level...

Because I end up saying stuff that I know I'll soon regret.

Or something or other.

Like right now... My sensitivity level is on an all-time low.

I'm just trying my absolute best to just shut up.

But if I break, please forgive me if I say stuff that could prove to be disparaging...

------------------------------------------------------------

Pictures!!!

...of my friggin' face.

...that I haven't been able to get from my wonky phone. LOL.

It's a funny feeling knowing that I won't be sending cellphone photos to anyone now. ...But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie.

That and at least, now, di na ako mauubusan ng load.

LOL.

...Sabi na kasing wake me up na lang when September ends.

Tsk.

Kissy kissy!

Just The Girl

J: Alam mo yung Just The Girl ng Click Five?
D: Uu.
J: Bagay yan sa'yo.
D: Nyahahaha. Ay. Ganon?
J: Yes, you're cool and you're cruel but you know just what you're doing.
D: Mang-away daw ba? LOL.
J: Eh, ba't totoo naman, eh. Sabihin mong hindi.
D: Ok fine... Pero this all boils down to meaning that "I'm just the girl you're looking for."
J: Ganon na nga.
D: Ayunoh. Malandi ka.

Whore Hair

D: I want to dye my hair blonde.
A: Go!
D: Bagay kaya sa'kin or would I look like a whore? Sabagay... I look like a whore anyway.
A: Nyahahaha.

Dear +639277014846,

Who are you?

I received like eight calls from you last night which I was unfortunately unable to take.

Kamusta ka naman?

Ako, ok lang. Ito, nagb-blog therapy, kasi parang kailangan ko. Ehhh... Pasensya ka, ikaw ang napag-tripan kong sulatan.

Kamusta naman ako? Masaya naman. Pero di ko alam. Gemini ako, eh. I am capable of feeling two or more separate and completely opposite emotions at the same time. Add to that na babae ako, so talagang magulo akong kausap.

Alam mo, merong mga bagay that just have to go without saying. Because it would be too hurtful to say it. Kung kaya namang pakiramdaman, eh di iparamdam mo na lang diba? Yun lang, puro second-guesses. Kaya anlabo. The thing is the truth hurts. And I usually hate it when I have to be the one to deliver it. Nakaka-guilty eh.

Ikaw, paano mo ba sasabihin na ayaw mo na? Kung sa mga bagay, circumstances, or anything else, ok lang diba? Madali lang naman sabihin... Ayoko. Ganon lang. Eh paano kung tao ang inaayawan mo?

Di'ba ang hirap?

Paano kasi, yung taong sasabihan nakakaramdam yun. At shempre pag sinabi mong ayaw mo sa kanya, magiisip yun kung ano ang defect n'ya at inaayawan mo s'ya. Ok lang sana kung gusto mo talaga s'yang saktan. Pero paano kung hindi?

Paano kung ayaw mo lang kasi ayaw mo. It's a personal preference. Kasi meron lang mga tao na hindi magkakasundo... No offense to the other party. Hindi ka galit sa kanya. Na-realize mo lang na di talaga kayo dapat magkasama.

I believe in destiny. I believe some things are just destined to be that way. Broken. Fixed. Good. Bad. Everything will fall where they're supposed to fall. So kung hindi ok, it's probably not meant to be ok. Siguro ako din naman kasi ang may defect. Oo, inaamin ko. Defective ako. Ba't ikaw, perfect ka ba? I always deal with absolutes. To some extent I can probably compromise, pero if I have to exert so much effort into something na hindi ko naman gusto... Aayaw na talaga ako. Kasi may nagturo sa'kin na ang mga excess baggage ay dapat iniiwan. Sure, you'd love to have stuff. And sure, you can lug that around all your life. Pero pabigat. Effort. So... Iwan na.

Mahirap sabihin yan, di'ba? Kaya ako, pag nararamdaman ko yan... Pinaparamdam ko na lang. It's too hurtful to say it. To someone's face, no less. Kasi kahit paano mo bali-baliktarin, the other person will take it personally. Even if it is for everyone's good. Ikaw parin ang lalabas na bitch, kasi ikaw yung umayaw dahil nabibigatan ka nang magdala.

Ang gulo no?

Oh di samahan mo pa nito... Paano mo sasabihin sa tao na pagod ka nang maging doormat n'ya? ...Na tao ka, at hindi ka inanimate object na pwede na lang apak-apakan and still have the words "Welcome!" with exclamation point in script font stamped on your forehead. Pwede ba yun? Shempre hindi. At shempre pag sinabi mo yun, aalsa din ang pinagsabihan mo, kasi magm-mukha s'yang masama, pero ang totoo n'yan, ikaw ang may kasalanan ng lahat, kasi pumayag kang maging doormat.

Shempre, kung biglang in the middle of everything biglang ayaw mo na maging doormat, magigitla yung isa, kasi nasanay na s'ya sa'yo. Na ganon ka. What if, naging magkaibigan lang talaga kayo kasi yun yung characteristic na nagustuhan n'ya sa'yo? Na todo pasa ka lang? Na lahat ok, kahit hindi na, sige lang?

Ang gulo na talaga no?

Oh i-duet mo pa dito... Paano kung pumapayag kang maging doormat at dinadala ang excess baggage na yun, dahil at one point minahal mo s'ya? Oh diba? Ang labo, men. Paano pag nawala na yung pagm-mahal? Ewan ko ikaw, pero ako, ang emotional process ko goes from love which could turn into hate which will eventually turn into indifference...

...Ang hirap sabihin non, di'ba love? Actually, yung indifference talaga ang nakaka-guilty. At least kung hate, galit ka, gusto mong makasakit. So sige lang go! Pero yung indifference. Ang hirap non. Nakaka-guilty na nga na maramdaman yun, pero yung sasabihin mo pa. Wow. Tsk. Mas maganda sigurong umiwas ka na lang diba?

Pero paano kung umiiwas ka nga, pero ikaw naman ang nilalapitan, kasi hindi pa pala kayo on the same page... Akala mo you were, pero hindi pa pala. Akala n'ya doormat ka parin n'ya at akala n'ya kaya mo parin s'yang dalhin, when truthfully, matagal mo na s'yang iniwan, at yung "Welcome!" sign na dating nakatatak sa forehead mo, ay napalitan na ng "Beware of Dog". Hahaha. Paano kung ganon?

Paano kung kahit paramdam ka na ng paramdam, at kung kulang pa yun, sumulat ka pa. Sure, my blog is for no one specific and everyone in general, pero still:

http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1003/Dear_Memory
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1006/Suntok_sa_buwan...
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1017/My_Pandoras_Box
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1016/Dear_Nobody
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1018/2023
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1026/Dear_L.
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1028/Dear_Little_Mister_Wanty_Wanter
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1039/Dear_S.
http://danabelle.multiply.com/journal/item/1052/Dear_1536

Paano kung hindi nabasa? At kung nabasa man, eh hindi naman naramdaman?

Eh di, kailangan mo na talagang sabihin ang dapat pinaparamdam mo na lang.

...At paano kung nasabi mo na nga?

Edi dapat tapos na?

Eh paano kung hindi? I mean, in essence tapos na nga... Pero parang ang bigat. Parang mas pumanget pa... Tsk.

What should have been a quiet and graceful exit has now become an explosive door slamming extravaganza...

Oh well.


As Always,
D.

Dear Road Trip,

You know, I wasn't even supposed to go to you. Maybe I shouldn't have...

But hey, you started out fairly well...

Truth be told, you started out great. I mean you were awesome ... at first.

Then I don't know what happened, but you started to not be so awesome... It was like a downward spiral that just kept going, well down, where downward spirals are supposed to go.

Until I found myself gasping for air in the middle of the night. I was suffocating in my own carbon dioxide.

Don't get me wrong. You were really nice. But I'm glad that it's over.

Thank you.


As Always,
D.

I feel like selling ALL my bags...

Emental Lovin'

*Pagkatapos ubusin ang Emental cheese sandwich sabay sigh at sabi ng nakapikit ang mata with feelings:

D: I so love emental. Mmm...
M: ...And Emental loves you.
D: *Napa-dilat at nawala sa kanyang CHEESY moment* Bussett ka.

Eyeko Classic Cream and Tinted Cream now available. :) Leave me a message if you want it.

Hindi naman ako maarte...

I'm so high and I don't wanna come down to face the loss of the good thing that I have found.

Dear Pinch,

Hey you!

Funny. There are some days when I can still feel you. Actually, they're not exactly days per se... More like, moments. Like a passing sort of thing, like for a couple of seconds it's there and then it's kind of gone...

I wonder if that's supposed to mean something.

Like I'm probably still where I thought I wasn't. But no that's just stupid, I'm no longer there... If I was, I'd be all like, oooh oooh or something or other. And I'd be kind of like ouch-i'm-hurt sad. But I'm not sad. I'm more like ouch-you-son-of-a-birchtree sad.

Maybe it just means that it was a deeper cut than I thought it was.

Yeah... That's probably it.

Forgive me if I seem to be blabbing... This is just me trying to blog as I nurse my bruised ego.

Oh and would you look at that. Moment's gone.

Later, Pinch!


As Always,
D.

Stupid Cupid

K: Girl, may bagay na song sa'yo... Stupid For You - Marie Digby. Search mo dali.
D: Di na bagay sa'kin 'to, love. Di na ako in love eh.
K: Basta. Bagay yan sa'yo. Every word of it.
D: Wait. Ito na. Eh di na talaga bagay sa'kin to ngayon, babe. Wala bang getting over it/moving on song d'yan? Nyahahaha. Sabagay... Some new guy could come along and I'd be falling stupid again.
K: Yun nga yun. Hahaha.
D: Nyahahaha. Bad ka. At winish talaga na maging stupid ako ulit. Sabagay, saruy naman eh. Sarap na Aruy. Worth it! Tama! Ayos! Let's go!
K: Go where? Ahehehe.
D: Asan na yang lalakeng yan?!?! Magpapaka-tanga na ako ulit. Let's go. Game na!!!

Nyahahaha.

Dear 15:36,

It's funny how the littlest things will make you realize the greatest things... As of late, I've been noticing that you've felt, if not, noticed the shift. And in turn you are now acting upon that shift. I'm glad. I mean, it saddens me that it can no longer be like how it was, but the end will most likely justify the means... And in the end, our separate well-beings are what matter.

I know that I could have spared myself from a few embarassing if not utterlingly humiliating instances and a couple of collateral damages could have been avoided if I'd just done what I was supposed to do when I was supposed to do them... But right now, at least, I could say without a shadow of a doubt that I've done all I can. I whipped the horse 'til it bled dry and I exhausted my resources, not to mention you and me.

Now, apart from the realization of having to let a few things go, I've also come to realize that there are certain defects in character that can never be repaired, but at the same time, those defects can't be tolerated... On both sides, too. And in that sense, we both win or we both lose, so I guess fair's fair. Depending upon your definition of fair, of course.

Under normal circumstances, this would be a sad thing, but you and I both know that I've never been normal. ...I'm learning to live without you. And since my emotions are almost always on fastforward, pretty soon, I probably won't even miss you. I know you've noticed that and I'm glad that you've decided to learn to live without me, too. It's making the process a lot more easier.

Bye.


As Always,
D.

For the life of me, I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we would never compromise...

Dear Soundtrack,

"It wasn't raining yet, but it was a little misty on that warm MAY night. And my heart was pounding. My inner voice resounding, begging me to turn away, but I just had to see your face to feel alive ... Every time I feel the need, I envision you caressing me and go back in time to relive the splendor of you and I on the rooftop that rainy night."

"And you are the only one and my everything and for you this song, I sing. All my life, I prayed for someone like you... And I thank God that I finally found you."

"Those dreams of yours are shining on distant shores and if they are calling you away, I have no right to make you stay..."

"You can dance every dance with the guy who gives you the eye, let him hold you tight. You can smile every smile for the man who held your hand 'neath the pale moon light. But don't forget who's takin' you home... And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me."

"Like a train on a track, like spokes inside a wheel, involuntary motion, like rolling downhill and there's no way to stop it. It's a natural thing, like sunrise and dusk, snowflakes, waterfalls, same thing like us."

"Hey there Delilah, don't you worry about the distance. I'm right there if you get lonely. Give this song another listen. Close your eyes, listen to my voice, it's my disguise. I'm by your side. ... Hey there Delilah, I know times are getting hard, but just believe me, girl, someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar. We'll have it good. We'll have the life we knew we would. My word is good."

"Oceans apart. Day after day. And I slowly go insane. I hear your voice on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain."

"Somewhere beyond the sea... Somewhere waiting for me. My lover stands on golden sands and watch the ships that go sailing. Somewhere beyond the sea, she's there watchin' for me. If I could fly like birds on high then straight to her arms I'd go sailin'. It's far beyond the star, it's near beyond the moon. I know beyond a doubt, my heart will lead me there soon. We'll meet beyond the shore. We'll kiss just as before. Happy we'll be, beyond the sea... And never again I'll go sailin'."

"Romeo and Juliet, they never felt this way, I bet. So don't underestimate my point of view. ... Cherish the joy, you keep bringing it into my life, I'm always singing it. Cherish your strength, you got the power to make me feel good, and baby I perish the thought of ever leaving, I never would..."

"I just can't look it's killing me and taking control. Jealousy, turning saints into the sea..."

"I never ever cheated. I never ever lied. So you can stop asking, asking me why, why I never left you and why I kept it real and why I'm still with you. You should've known better than to think I would leave. You should've known better than to doubt me. It don't matter if you're up, matter if you're down. Either way, I'm gonna be around. You should've known that I would stay by your side. You should've known your girl was gonna ride or die..."

"How can you just walk away from me? When all I can do is watch you leave? ... Take a look at me now... 'Cause there's just an empty space. There's nothing left here to remind me just the memory of your face. ... I wish I could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why. ...Take a look at me now, 'cause I'm still standing here."

"Dying inside 'cause I can't stand it. Make or break up. Can't take this madness. We don't even really know why, all I know is baby, I try and try so hard to keep our love alive. If you don't know me at this point then I highly doubt you ever will. I really need you to give me that unconditional love I used to feel. It's a mistake if we just erase it from our hearts and minds and I know we said let go, but I kept on hanging on, inside I know it's over. You're really gone. It's killing me, 'cause there ain't nothing that I can do."

"What hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away... And never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do..."


As Always,
D.

05/13/02 - 09/13/09

Dear Bussett,

Wow. So we're here. That's awesome. Sort of. Not really.

You should really learn not to diss someone's someone, especially when you don't know what's going on or who you're talking about. Even if that someone's someone ends up being that someone's death... What's it to you?

While we're on the subject, just because you don't understand something, it doesn't make it wrong.

Oh and by the way, ano nga ba ulit ang pakialam mo?


As Always,
D.

Saturday's Conversation Overload

H: Ba't hindi ka masyadong apektado?
D: Nyahahaha. Apektado naman ah. Paano bang apekto gusto mo, love?
H: Buti nakakayanan mo pang tumawa.
D: Shempre! Alangan namang umiyak ako... Kawawa naman ako pag ganon.
H: Anong plano mo?
D: Ehhh... You know me... Ride or die.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

H: Naiiyak ako.
D: Wag ka na umiyak. Di ka pa nasanay dun. Ganon talaga yun.
H: Hindi, ok lang ako. Naiiyak ako sa inyo.
D: LOL. Gagang 'to. Tama bang kumampi sa'kin?
H: Eh kanino ako kakampi? Kay Batman?

Nyahahaha. Pwede.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

H: Alam ko na.
D: Ano yun?
H: Mag-fling tayo.
D: Ha? Hindi ako lesbo.
H: Hahaha. Guhguh. I mean, sa iba
D: Ah ganon ba? Hahaha. Ok... Ehhh, ikaw na lang. Barkada nga lang nagh-hurumentado na yung isa eh. Baka i-fling ako sa pader pag nakipag-fling pa ako. Nyahahaha.
H: Unfair naman.
D: Konti lang. Hindi masyado. Hahaha.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

V: Wag mo na lang pansinin. Gutom lang yun.
D: Pakainin n'yo. Para hindi ako napupuruhan dito.
V: Pakainin? Oo ba! Ano gusto mong pakain ko? Kamao?
D: Nyahahaha. 'Nyabang oh. Sige nga... Sige nga...
V: Ehhh... Wag ngayon bagong manicure ako. Sayang!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

V: Ok... What if I play devil's advocate for a minute?
D: Play lang ba? Sure ka? Minute lang talaga?
V: Gaga. Eh kung iiwas ka na lang.
D: Ang layo n'yo naman eh, ano iiwasan ko?
V: Hindi sa kanya. Dun sa isa.
D: Ahhh. Eh di parang inadmit ko na meron eh wala naman?
V: Sabagay... Eh kung totoohin mong may mangyari.
D: Nyahahaha. Ganon?
V: Oo para substantiated.
D: Nakanamang suma-substantiated oh.
V: Okray ka. Kanina ka pa.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

J: Saludo ako sa'yo.
D: Ano meron?
J: Wala lang. Gusto ko lang sumaludo.
D: Nyahahaha. Sira ka parin talaga hanggang ngayon.
J: Oo. Pero ngayon nakadredlaks na ako.

Blahahaha. Hangkulettt mo, boy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

J: Sana inunahan ko na lang s'yang ligawan ka.
D: Ganon? At feeling mo naman sasagutin kita kung nangyari yun?
J: Oo no! Sa gwapo kong 'to?
D: Bwahahaha. Ungas.
J: Itatanan na kita.
D: At sasama naman kaya ako sayo?
J: Oo. Gwapo, macho, nakadredlaks...
D: Wow. Hanep sa confidence.
J: Shempre. Ang tawag d'yan ay...
D: ...Overcompensation?
J: Wala namang ganyanan... Von, asan na yung dictionary?

Nyahahaha.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

K: Eh sya naman kasi ang may defect.
D: Ay tawagin daw bang defective... Nyahahaha. Bad ka.
K: Eh totoo naman eh. Sabihin mong hindi.

Whatchu gonna do when you can't say no? When the feelings start to show? Boy, I really need to know. How you gonna act? How you gonna handle that?

Minsan...

...hindi mo na alam kung paano magreact. Parang paulit-ulit nalang kasi.

Madali lang akong kausap...

Kung gusto mo, gusto ko rin.

Kung ayaw mo, ayaw ko rin.

Kung aalis ka, iintayin kita.

Kung kailangan mo ko, andito lang ako.

Kung ayaw mo nang bumalik, ok lang, gusto mo yun, edi gusto ko na rin.

Kung mahal mo ko, mas mahal kita.

Kung mas mahal mo na s'ya, sakto lang, hiniram lang naman yata talaga kita sa kanya nung nakalimutan ka n'ya.

Kung aakusahan mo ako, sige lang, alam ko naman na alam mong hindi totoo yun, nagp-padala ka lang sa imagination mo.

Kung aawayin mo ko, sige lang, palalagpasin ko.

Kung ayaw mo na, sabihin mo lang, aayaw na rin ako...

...You don't even have to be the bad guy... Gamitin mo na lang excuse yung ina-akusa mo sa'kin, para ako na lang ang kontrabida sa istoryang 'to.

Ibigay mo ang kaya mong ibigay. Wala akong hinihingi sa'yo at wala akong hihingin. Hindi kita susumbatan, dahil hindi ako ganon.

Madali lang akong kausap...

...Kausapin mo ko. Andito lang naman ako kung san mo ko iniwan.

My Dear Fe,

Happy Birthday... Again. Were you really surprised?

Surprises are awesome, aren't they? I mean one moment you're just there and the next you're like whoa. It's funny how life is so full of them. At almost every second, people surprise us, circumstances surprise us, we surprise ourselves.

It's a wonderful feeling. Of course, sometimes, some realizations are very thought-provoking, but they're not really sad, reflective, yes. Sad, not really. But all in all, surprises are wonderful. They allow you to see or feel something that you didn't realize you would feel at that moment or ever.

Surprises are a lot like love. Love in and of itself is surprising. How it begins. How it ends. And even the middle parts surprise you with how it plays out. The beginning part is the best though... How you're sometimes just sitting there minding your own business and then suddennly voila. Surprise! Love's here.

And you know what? It's not only the Eros type of love. The platonic type of love surprises you, too.

If I remember correctly, I met you on my birthday... Y'all surprised me, do you remember that? Who'd have thought that from that day, a year later, we'd still be friends, who actually relate to what the other is feeling... The circumstances are different, but the feelings remain the same.

It's nice to know that eventhough, I'm just sending these words out into the world, someone is able to relate. The feeling alone part of being single kind of lessens when that happens and so for that and a lot more I thank you.

Thank you for surprising my life with love and friendship, my dear. May your life be filled with a billion PLEASANT surprises. ...May one of them be a fabulously PLEASANT man. Haha. I kid. Happy birthday, love! God bless you!


As Always,
D.

CC = MJ

J: Final na ba yan?
D: I guess... We've run our course.
J: May hindi natutulog...
D: Haha. Ganon?
J: May hindi kumakain...
D: I highly doubt that. Paamoy mo ng frosting, kakain yan.
J: Wa epek. May hindi kumakanta...
D: Ay di na ako naniniwala. Fired na kayo n'yan.
J: Ay oo nga exag ako. Malapit na... Actually, nagh-hugas na ako ng pinggan at nagm-mop na ng sahig si Von, para lang di kami patawirin sa plank. Sige gan'to nalang. May kumakanta pero parang Thriller. Lalo na pag Beyond The Sea. Thriller parin ang arrive.
D: Nyahahaha. Bentaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nai-imagine ko. Shite.

9/9/9 at 9:09

This time next year... Sana kasal na ako or pinaplano ko na ang kasal ko.

Which would take place on:

8/9/10

or

10/10/10

or

9/10/11

or

11/11/11

or

10/11/12

or

if push comes to shove...

12/12/12

By the way... For all my friends na makakasama sa entourage... Magready na kayo... We'll be doing this:

Reds & Blues...

"

The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name...

"
Holly Golightly - Breakfast at Tiffany's

Photography is not a sport. It has no rules. Everything must be dared and tried. - Bill Brandt

PostSecret Mail of The Day Tweet: "I believe if my 'fat' friends were 'skinny', they wouldn't be as nice."

Today... A year ago... - Neon dissonance

"

It's so hopeful and yet tragic in some twisted sense ... feels like you're running away, but at the same time, it feels like staying still, like you're just coming home.

"

Inside Dana's Head

Nangangati ang metaphorical sugat... Kinamot. Ayan tumatagas na naman tuloy ang metaphorical dugo. Naman eh.

Down with love... the root of all midnight blues.

Breathing in for luck. -- Listening to the last Audio CD on Unit One before going to bed.

You know what fixes everything? Ice cream... Even ice cream that expired six months ago.

Pinagsisihan ko ba?

F: Do you regret having to love someone as much knowing that it wouldn't last?
D: I'm not sure if love is something to be regretted. I guess at one point or another when I was actually still not over the person, I wished that I never did love them, because of how much it hurt... But when all is said and done and at the end of it, you get to realize that love was worth it.

...And that pain is part of it. It's what I actually miss now. Being heartbroken feels awful and great all at the same time. The pain lets you realize that you are capable of feeling such complex and truly larger than life emotions that fill your heart to the brim, so much so, that at times it feels like you just might burst.

Pinagsisisihan ko ba na minahal ko s'ya? Hindi.

At kahit pa pagsisihan ko, it's not something that I have control over... Everything will fall where they're supposed to.

I fell for him.

To the lost, the lonely, the indecisive,

...and the broken hearts in between:

I've recently lost. Perhaps I lost a battle that was not meant to be fought or perhaps I lost something that was not mine to begin with. There is no real description... All I know is that I lost.

And right now, I'm not sure if I'm closed off or if I've opened up. There really are two sides to everything and you can never really know for certain what some things seem to be.

Certain gravitational forces tend to pull you where you're supposed to be and there are ways to fight it, but why fight nature? Why fight the inevitable? Your efforts would just be lost... Just as I am.

As I contemplate on the situation at hand, I have been blessed with a few insights that seem to add to my increasing need to figure out what it all means. One of the insights actually came from me. It's funny how you can surprise yourself with the things that you already know, but are just only coming to fully realize at the moment that you are voicing them out.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday, who said that she was mildly upset and possibly envious because I get to spend more time with the person that she longs to be beside... I told her that there is no need to be envious, because at the end of the day, even if you are almost intertwined with someone, it doesn't mean that you are not far apart. Being in close proximity to someone does not mean that you are close.

And that is somehow relatable to being in a relationship and yet somehow feeling absolutely alone. I'd never want to be in that situation... I'd hate to be with someone and yet feel like I have no one. I might as well break it off, at least if I were lonely then, my excuse would be that I'm single.

This morning, a friend sent me a message. I feel it may have been God who was sending me the message through that friend. The message said that ultimately it's not about finding the right person, but being the right person.

And so to the lost, the lonely, the indecisive, and the broken hearts in between, I wish for you as I wish for myself, that we finally find the best version of ourselves to show not only to the ones that we love, but to everyone else.


As Always,
D.

Dear V.,

Today, I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes, again. No, I'll never get tired of it.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

I wonder how it would be like if I were to erase you from my memory... You and every other guy who's come and gone. I suppose, it would be just like how it is now. It seems as if I have managed to erase or at least blur everyone.

...Even you.

I guess what they say is true... The amount of time it'll take you to truly get over someone is half the time that you loved them.

I guess I must've loved you for eight years.

I could be wrong... My mathematic prowess is not as great as it used to be... Just like my memory. Besides, I've been wrong about a billion things. Think about it, I was wrong about you. I was wrong about them.

I guess that's why I've managed to blur you out... Because I was wrong... And mistakes are meant to be erased and corrected.

I'm sorry if that's harsh... But it's true. Besides, you've done a perfect job of erasing me, too.

We're even...

I'm afraid I can't say the same for the rest, though... I've blurred them out and yet they're still there thinking everything's fine. I can't blame them. I'm a fraud.

I feel bad about that... But what could I do? Would it be better if I just showed that I don't care anymore? Would that make me a better person if I were to show my real feelings or lack thereof?

Apathy is not something that a person with great passion such as myself should be feeling... It's not even really a feeling. But I can't seem to shake it off. ...And I'm not sure if I really want to.

Yes, I'm running in circles, I know. I'm an oxymoron... Always been and will probably always be.

Funny.

I'd have asked you to meet me in Montauk... But if you did, I'd probably just walk past you and I doubt that I'd even look up.

I'm sorry.


As Always,
D.

Ba't kailangan tumigil? Tsk. Gusto ko pa eh.

Just wake me up when September ends. Thanks.

Dear S.,

How are you?

I don't know what came over me, but I found myself re-reading old blogs. Funny how much you tend to forget in a year and nine months, let alone three years.

I would never actually say this to your face, but I realize that I don't even really miss you anymore. Maybe it's the distance. It's funny, because with the distance, I should probably miss you... But I don't.

Sure, we're still friends... But it's just not the same. For me at least... I'm just going through the motions and I know that's not fair, but try as I might, there's just nothing now. I guess we just drifted apart. And now we're too far from each other that it's just pointless and it would take too much effort to try and go back.

I can't even remember how we used to be... I'd have to look at the archives just so I can remember it, but I've somehow lost interest...

You know what's funnier? History repeated itself. We've talked about this before, I think... I don't remember... But yeah, history decided to be an ass. I can't tell if this is more intense than before, because like I said, I can't even remember how it used to be.

It's a little sad, though... How things like this happen. And I don't know what's worse, feeling angry or just not feeling anything at all. This is just like me to feel guilty about being apathetic.

But I guess that's just how it is. ...And that's how it will be.


As Always,
D.

New EDM SMS pictures up.

Just in... NEW STASH. Pictures up soon. :)

Kalandian Timeline

Nakaupo ka lang sa isang tabi... Nananahimik. Doing your thing and minding your own business. Tas biglang may susulpot. Magugulat ka, syempre. Di mo naman inaasahan. Ang malupit non, kukulitin ka, lalandiin ka, tatawagan ka, pupuntahan ka, gagambalain ka, at ang pinakamakulit non, paiisipin ka pa...

Hanggang sa sobrang pagiisip, matatanong mo na sarili mo, "Ano ba talaga gusto non? Hindi naman nanliligaw.", eh hindi masagot ng sarili mo kaya tatanungin mo sa best friend mo, barkada mo, kapitbahay mo, pinsan mo, ka-chat mo, sa saleslady, yung tambay dun sa kanto, at pati mga halaman sa bahay na kung nakakapagsalita lang, babatukan ka na kasi ang kulit mo.

Sari-saring sagot ang makukuha mo, pero 70% ng mga pinagtanungan mo ang sagot ay, "May gusto yan sa'yo. Nagt-timpi lang.", eh di mas lalo ka naman napaisip.

"Kung may gusto s'ya sa'kin? Ano dapat kong maramdaman? Kaya ba ako nagt-tanong kasi deep inside gusto ko rin? O napamahal na lang s'ya sa'kin kasi ang landi landi n'ya. Sweet pa ang hunghang... Ano ba talaga?" -- Hanggang sa kakaisip mo, nain-love ka na nga... Ba't mo kasi inisip? Tsk. Pwede mo naman sanang palagpasin na lang, no? Inisip mo pa ng inisip kaya yan ang napapala mo. Nai-inlove ka tuloy. Tas makikinig ka ng pakilig love songs.

Alam mo kung ano ang makulit don, ang pinakinggan mo yung 70%... Eh paano kung biglang yung 30% chance ang totoo? Sure, 30% lang ang chance na wala s'yang gusto sa'yo. Compared sa 70% maliit ang 30%, pero naisip mo ba na kung sa SALE yan papatusin mo yang 30% off na yan? ...Nanginginig pa! Malaking percentage ang 30%, kala mo...

Kaso sa kaiisip mo at dahil nain-love ka na nga, binalewala mo yun, at nagfocus ka sa 70% chance na may gusto s'ya sa'yo.

And what do you know? After months and years, nang landian at kulitan... Yung 30% pala talaga ang totoo. Kung anuman ang rason n'ya kung baket n'ya ginawa, ginagawa, at gagawin ang mga pagl-landi at pagk-kulit sa'yo, is unimportant... Ang importante lang dun eh wala s'yang gusto sa'yo. At kahit pa anong gimik ang maisipan mong gawin at kahit libutin mo ang buong mundo katatanong ng advice sa kung kani-kanino, hindi s'ya magkakagusto sa'yo.

Aray.

Ngayon, iiyak ka sa mga kaibigan mo, kasi syempre masakit diba? Tapos magt-tanong ka na naman sa sarili mo... "Baket ganon? Baket di n'ya ako gusto? Maganda naman ako. Matalino. Sweet. Thoughtful..." ...At kung anu-ano pang good traits ang maisip mo sa sarili mo. Yung mga pakilig lovesongs na paulit-ulit sa iTunes mo, biglang mapapalitan ng makabagbag-damdaming pang-emote na mga kanta. Tas iiyak iyak ka.

Tapos ano? Shempre pagkatapos non magiging bitter ka... Mab-bussett ka sa kanya... Baket ka nga ba naman kasi n'ya inumpisahan, nananahimik ka lang sa isang tabi, tas bigla kang lalandiin ng walang pakundangan. Magagalit ka sa kanya, magagalit ka sa sarili mo, maiinis ka, mab-bussett. Tas naka-repeat ang Ampalaya songs sa iTunes mo. Tas magp-plot ka na ng revenge mo. "Ha! Magugustuhan mo din ako! At pag nangyari yun. Ayoko na sa'yo. Bussett ka!",  kasi hindi parin nags-sink in sa'yo kung ano ba talaga ibig sabihin nung 30%... No means no means no. Anubah?

Finally, out of the blue, mawawala na yung galit mo, inis, bitterness, ang malupit non, pati na yung love na pinagsimulan ng lahat, eh wala na rin. Biglang lahat yun... Wala na. Parang rollercoaster lang... Super intense, tapos... Wala na. Tapos na.

Ang tahimik.

Kung tutuusin, parang wala lang. Bumalik lang sa dating pananahimik mo... Pero di ka mapakali. Sa tagal ba naman na nagambala ng emosyon ang katahimikan mo, tas biglang dead silent, shempre magugulat ka. Hahanap-hanapin mo yung feeling na nakakaramdam ka. Kasi parang biglang wala kang nararamadaman na intense emotion, nakakapanibago, diba?

Pero wag ka nang mag-alala. Balik na sa dati. Tapos na ang kaguluhan! Nananahimik ka na ulit. All is well in the world! Mag-party ka, i-enjoy mo 'to. Moment mo 'to! Mag-celebrate ka...

...Kasi tiyak n'yan, mabilis pa sa alas kwatro, may bagong susulpot na manggugulo sa buhay mo.

Pearlescent

There definitely will be moments of clarity when you find yourself smack dab in the middle of confusion.

Yes. There is clarity in confusion. ...In that it allows you to take in all these random thoughts and place it in a big messy pile in your brain. So messy that even if you take a step back so that you can see the big picture, all it becomes is a bigger and messier picture. However, as messy as it seems to be, it looks absolutely grand. Because it is too messy, it has become a mess of epic proportions and that's what has become endearing about it. The fact that it's epic.

Don't you just love that word? Epic. It rolls of the tongue like you were meant to say it over and over and over again.

Epic. Epic. EPIC.

I love how words just come to you. Just out of the blue, it pops out and there you are with an epic look of suprise on your face as if to say, "Ok. So what am I supposed to do with this now?".

How something appears right now is what it is, yes. But if you turn it in the slightest bit it's appearance will change... It's still the same, but it's different. It's a conundrum. It's an oxymoron. It's an epic mess. It will stay that way. Revel in its pearlescence and let it be.

Son of a gun...

...Kumakanta ka na namang bata ka?!?! LOL.

Yuhhh, I'm so vain. Ehhh ano naman?

Happy Thursday, loves!!!

Kissy kissy!

Oh you make me go oooh... With the things that you do. :)

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Bakit ba ang sakit sakit???

What? It's love! ...It's not Santa Claus.

I've been looking for something like this. I'm saying ooh. :) Hihihi.

Dear Speedy Perfection,

I had a weird dream. Don't you just love it when I start off with that? Haha.

I dreamt that everything happened just so incredibly fast. And before I could even blink, I was married... And it wasn't just any guy... He was the guy. The perfect catch. The blessing from God. THE guy.

Evenso... It was way too fast, even for me, and I've been planning to get married since I was eight. It was like I was ambushed, but in a good way... I mean, we were just talking all normal-like and then on a whim, but kind of like a well-thought out whim, sort of like we're-meant-to-be-anyway-so-why-wait kind of whim, we got married.

It was a weird feeling. It was like a life-changing, split-second thing. One moment, I was just doing my thing and the next I was known as this guy's wife. Not that being this guy's wife was a bad thing... It was just weird, because the whole time, I've just been invisible and suddenly, voila, there I am, the center of attention. The girl on the sidelines who got lucky and nabbed the perfect guy.

His parents loved me which was great. I was a little embarassed and I kept apologizing to them because everything just happened so fast, but they were happy and said that they couldn't have imagined their son being with anyone else and as fast as it was, it was just the right time.

And though most people seemed happy about the union, there will almost always be some nay-sayers with some very deep regrets... Which unfortunately, I could not entertain or soothe as it was all too late... I was married. And that was the end of it.

...Which was also a funny thing, how fast I switched from this selfish, self-involved, self-loving girl, to the wife who was effectively devoted to her husband, I mean... Suddenly, my life switched purposes and I had this definitive need to submit to my husband. And it wasn't like a forced thing. But more like human nature... It was like I was meant to do it and I was ... happy.

The problem was that... I felt like I had to keep his reputation to the rest of the world pure and his vision of me unscathed... And he had a pretty twisted vision of me, like I was this good girl who could do no wrong. I kept feeling that I had to hide some side of myself from him and for him, because I was not good enough.

...And dream or not, this is painfully true.

I'm hardly perfect. I'm not conventionally beautiful. I have stretchmarks and cellulite. My skintone is not evenly distributed all over my body. If I don't bathe, I will smell. My farts stink and so does my crap. I pee. I have scars. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I have moments of weakness, laziness, madness, and stupidity, too. I'm human. God is still working on me, spritually. I don't have a halo and I've never had one. I'm not perfect.

But as it seems from the dream, I can love perfectly. And I know that in reality, I can and I will love perfectly... I just wish that when I do get ambushed, I won't be as imperfect as my dream cut me out to be.

Maybe my dream was telling me to work on myself in preparation for the day when I get ambushed in reality. ...Yes, I expect to be ambushed in the future. Because that's how the life-changing circumstances has almost always been in my life. A big shocking surprise in speedy perfection.


As Always,
D.

Uwak

Dear 14:03,

As I took the final walk around today, a line from Ally McBeal played on my head...

"...Think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted."

In my case, I'm not only replaying one year... But four and a half.

Today, I closed a whole chapter in my life; One that I've been meaning to end for the longest time, but one that dragged on for over four years. And though I'm happy that it's over, a wave of nostalgia is washing over me.

I've gotten used to bidding farewell, having had to do so over and over again, for more than half of my life... But endings are endings. And closing chapters are never easy.

As I think back on the four and a half years, that at times seemed terribly agonizing, I am filled with joy not just because it's over, but because as it seems they weren't wasted.

...And so with tears in my eyes, I end this chapter and move on to the next one.


As Always,
D.