Dear J.,

"If I expected love when first we met... Blame it on my youth."

This song played today... And though I've heard it a hundred times before, it was only today that it registered to me that this is actually me singing to you.

"If only just for you I did exist... Blame it on my youth."

I'm reluctant to admit it even to myself. I want to keep believing that falling in love with you had nothing to do with the recklessness of being a child. I guess, I just don't want to admit that I was wrong and everyone was right all along.

"I believed in everything like a child of three.
You meant more than anything...
...You meant all the world to me."

I guess that's what so hard about it all... I didn't just lose you. I lost my world. I lost everything I believed in and I was forced to grow up so suddenly. In essence, I lost myself.

"If you were on my mind all night and day... Blame it on my youth. If I forgot to eat and sleep and pray... Blame it on my youth."

I'm still trying to shake you off... I'm told that it takes time... Didn't realize it would take this long.

"If I cried a little bit when first I learned the truth. Don't blame it on my heart..."

I was young and I didn't know any better. ...I still don't, I guess. You still have the power to hurt me without even knowing it. I still can't look at you without feeling a pinch... And I still can't sing your song without breaking into tears. "...Blame it on my youth."


As Always,
D.