Irogtalk - Rebound by Default

I'm trying to psyche myself up enough to go to sleep... Lagi naman diba? And as I'm sitting here in the kitchen napa-punta ako sa Xanga mo.

Hayyysss Xanga. Miss ko na yun. Hehe. Pero na ja, masaya naman ang Multiply. Even moreso I guess... Ang daming nakikita ditong kung anu-ano. Daming nakikilala. And most of all, parang di ako maubusan ng maiisip na i-post.

Tulad na lang ngayon, na dapat na akong matulog, pero, eto ako, sumusulat sa'yo.

"Sana March na.", nabasa ko sa Xanga mo. Hihihi. Parang kelan lang yun... Magt-two years na pala. Parang ang bilis bilis ng panahon. Ang hirap magcatch-up, pero at the same time, parang wala lang. Parang inalon ka lang and there's really no need to catch-up kasi sumama ka lang sa wave. Not that it's a bad thing... It's just a little ... weird. For lack of a better word.

Kanina naalala ko si ex fwanget. Naalala ko s'ya kasi tumawag si Ex-Future Mudra kay Mami kagabi... Pupunta daw sila dito... Kasi birthday ni ex fwanget sa March. Oh and I know you know, pero since this letter is kind of open to the public and the public don't know, can I just interject na hindi s'ya yung tinutukoy ko sa TopTenTuesday.

Anyway, mabalik ako... So ayun... Naisip ko lang s'ya... Natakot ako. Hindi dahil nakakamorkot s'ya (although, posible din yun), natakot ako kasi, what if magkita kita kami, and what if I fall back in... Tas habang iniisip ko, as in tinry ko talagang isipin and i-internalize... I realized na wala na talaga.

And that thought kind of ran into another thought na kung nawala ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya, then I must not have loved him to begin with.

Then it hit me.

When we first got together, I still wasn't over Perslab (and para sa mga ibang nakakabasa na hindi alam, ito yung tinutukoy ko sa TopTenTuesday.) and he was getting over his now current. In effect pareho kaming on the rebound... Although, medyo ako yata yung mas nasaktan sa pagkakarebound. Pero ok lang. Parang even lang diba?

Then nung last time that we got together, I realized, that eventhough it could easily be seen as "fate" or "destiny", we were actually together by default. S'ya lang yung andun eh and ako lang yung nandun and everything seemed to fit. So kahit na default lovers lang, I guess, even parin kami.

Oddly enough, parang kahit patas kami on both occassions, parang hindi... Mapa-rebound, mapa-default, parang nash-shortchange ako palagi. Uyyy drama. Nyahahaha. Tsk.

Pero yeah, back to my earlier thought, I realized na hindi ko talaga s'ya minahal... I might have thought that I did, but I didn't. Kasi now, wala na talaga eh.

Funny. The only guy that I could say na I had a "real" (in quotes kasi I'm not really sure.) relationship with turns out na hindi ko pala talaga minahal...

Nakakatawa no? Parang ironic na parang ewan. And to think first and last boyfriend ko pa ang animal.

Gosh. What does this mean? What does this say about me? ...That I'm incapable of actually loving someone? ...That I'm incapable of having a relationship?

Goodness. Parang kelan lang... Sinusulatan kita just like this... Kinekwento ko sa'yo ang mga kung anu-anong kalokohan ang napasukan ko when I left Wien. Parang kelan lang na kinwento ko sa'yo na may bf na ako na nakipagcool-off sa'kin on my birthday... Parang kelan lang na sinulatan kita kinekwento ang kung anu-anong kadramahan ang mga nangyari after that. And with pictures to boot. Haha. Parang kelan lang na kinwento ko sa'yo na ikakasal na ako. At parang kelan lang na kinwento ko sa'yo na wala na.

Grabe. 11 years. Parang inalon lang ako. Pero at the same time, I've got this sinking feeling that I need to catch up. Ang bilis. Ang bagal. Ang gulo.

Oh well. Ganon lang yata talaga, ja?

Anyway, ayan. Inaantok na rin ako. Hehe. Kanina nga pala umiinom ako ng rootbeer... I don't know why, but it tastes different... I guess I just miss you. I miss you alot. Kisses to the baby. Hugs to RB. And lots and lots of love to you.


As Always,
D.