Dear R.,

Look at me writing to you. Haha.

How bad is this that I've resorted to this? Must be pretty bad. I can't tell you just how much I miss you. Literally. I can't tell you. How long has it been? A little less than a decade and yet here I am.

...Still the same old brand new me.

You asked me to grow up and I did. I tried my best to, at least. And I thought I was pretty far up on the age thing... Physically, I most probably am, but I realize that, unfortunately that's all it is. I still haven't grown up like I was supposed to. I'm still letting the little things get to me. And I'm still as clumsy as ever. Tripping over everything when I should be walking straight with my head held high.

You got to hand it to me though. I got the stillness part right down to a T. Haha. I know, right? The woman who can't sit still, is sitting for a portrait by an artist who is never going to start painting. That's gotta be irony at its best.

Of course, I'm sure you're not surprised by all of this. You were always the one who had so much insight... You were so aware of everything it surprised me. It made me wonder whether you installed a hidden camera in my apartment. There was no way you could know the things that you knew.

But that's your gift, I guess.

...And mine is probably... Falling in love with the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could be a curse, but I can't be certain.

Yeah yeah. I'm being overly dramatic, I know you hate that. You were always the realistic one. Blunt. Honest. You brought me back down when I was flying way too high.

I wish you could have been the one. You brought balance in my life. You brought sanity into my head, of course, that didn't stay. From my point of view, you and me ending up together made the best sense... But if I took a step back or that if I stepped away from my body, and looked at the big picture, you and me ending up together would have been terribly exhausting for you.

I am a piece of work. But you sure made it look easy.

But that was a long time ago... And here I am now with mostly the same problems and I'm asking for your help. How do I fastfoward from here? I hate this part. The part where I want to break away, but I can't. That's always been the problem with me. I deal with absolutes... And unfortunately, absolutes can't be applied here. It's blackmail at its sweetest form. Haha. I laugh, but it's not funny.

And yes, that's another problem, I laugh at everything. I never take anything too seriously, I just let it brew until it boils over and when it does I'm naturally shocked. And you look at me telling me silently that I should have known it was going to happen. And just like every other time, you'd be right.

I should've known.


As Always,
D.