Dear SB,

It felt like a crisp sharp slap on the face.

I know that it could have been translated as something else. And I'm sure it was supposed to mean something else. And that cultural and language barriers were contributory factors to how I translated it... But if that were so, then why is it bothering me this much?

...Probably because it's true.

I guess no matter what people say and no matter how far I've come... I know that I'm still miles away from where I'm supposed to be. ...Or at least where I want to be.

But what if this is it?

This.

That's it.

This is all that it's ever going to be.

This is all I'm ever going to be.

It seems to me that everytime I try to progress, something almost always comes up. Whenever I try to get my life in order and finally focus... Something. Just. Comes. Up.

I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. I guess over time, I've gotten used to either having to throw everything away or dealing with losing it... And afterwards, I start all over again from scratch. It's funny, about a year or two ago, I've actually been waiting for this.

I know, I know.

Or actually, you know what? I don't know. I don't know why things are the way that they are. I don't know why I have to carry on as if everything is ok, when clearly they're not really. Or at least not completely. Funny, how you can get used to something, and you don't know whether you like it or not, but still you find yourself looking for it.

If it's not there, you pine. When it finally comes, you ask why.

It's just one too many things all at once, I guess. I mean, I'd like to scream, "Hey! I'm not even done dealing with this yet!". But at least I can be thankful that I was able to smile today. I needed that. I needed to smile even if just for one moment I could pretend that everything was ok. Completely ok. Or at least feel like it's going to be. And I know that it will be.

I just need to keep smiling until it is.


As Always,
D.