History

It's been a while, huh?

I guess life gets in the way of life sometimes or, you know, something metaphorical and deep that I can't be bothered to think of right now, because it is 1:54 in the morning and I probably should get to sleep.

...But as you well know, I have a tendency to not be able to sleep sometimes. Most especially during times when I need to talk to you.

Hence, this letter.

For the most part, I think that I've been pretty ok with everything. I have and always will be the bounce-backing kind. I've been hugely successful in trying to let things go, but I realize that there will be days when some things and some people who will push you over the edge.

I have a slight tendency to be obsessive and oh how I wish you were like me. That you would actually have the urge to find, search, discover and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this letter is for you. I also hope that when you read this you will be filled with so much grief that you won't be able to function for the rest of the day, week, month, and quite possibly your lifetime, which I'm sure won't be that long anymore, anyway.

You are a sad excuse for a person. ...And that self-made pedestal that you so relish to be on will crumble any second now.

Last week, I was sitting outside a café that overlooked the sea. It was around 40 degrees Celsius, but I didn't mind; the taste of coffee on my lips and the scent of cigarettes blended perfectly with the hot Middle Eastern Summer air. As I looked on to the beautiful sunset, I could see a light post in the distance. And perched on top are the silhouettes of two black birds. As beautiful and as poignant as all of that was, I couldn't help but feel taunted. I'm twenty-five years old turning twenty-six and it dawned on me that I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. My last relationship ended on a terrible note seven years ago and since then I haven't been in a serious relationship. I'm still in the process of figuring out why. Whether I've just been scared to; whether I've been a victim of circumstance, with the circumstance being that there just aren't any good available men in my area; whether I'm just being picky; or whether I've just been scarred for life by the ex.

I know that thirty-somethings would probably want to slap me silly right now, but seriously, I am starting to feel really antsy and I know there are some women out there who are just not the marrying kind, unfortunately, I am not one of those women. I look forward not only to the day that I have my fantasy wedding, but to the actual life that I will be living with my husband and 2.5 kids. Yes, I actually look forward to living in the suburbs, driving an SUV, baking an enormous amount of goodies, and knitting stuff or whatever it is that housewives do nowadays. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm really scared of ending up alone, I still believe that there is someone for everyone, it just gets a little bit frustrating and terrifying... And sometimes, it just makes me want to close my eyes and scream, "Where is he?!?!" and "Why isn't he here, yet?!?!". Dramatic, yes I know.

The other night, I was minding my own business, or actually I was minding everybody's business on Facebook, I love how this site actually allows us to see anything and everything that's going on in your social circle at the click of a button. Anyway, I was uhmm ... "catching up" on my reading, when lo and behold, a message appears on my computer screen. The message was from none other than the ex fiance, who may have just scarred me for life. A couple of years ago, I would have typed expletives and screamed incomprehensible curses at him, of course I'm exaggerating, in reality a couple of years ago, I would have just ignored him and pretended that he was six-feet-under, but that night it actually felt ok for us to finally just talk to each other like adults or whatever it is you call 20-somethings nowadays.

After the usual how-are-yous and how've-you-beens, I started to sense a certain something, the something being a negative vibe that was so strong I could actually feel it through my computer screen. So I asked him how he really was and he said he was feeling absolutely terrible and utterly miserable, because he was going through a very bad break-up. Now, see, that part I knew. I mean he hasn't exactly been the most private person on Facebook, as a matter of fact he has been the epitome of someone who wears their heart on their errr status updates.

He proceeded to tell me about his break-up, he said he's been trying to get over it, but that the reason that it was so hard for him to move on was that because he gave the girl 101% and left nothing for himself. Talk about melodrama, the boy actually succeeded in dethroning me as the drama queen. However, it was his next sentence that caught my attention. He said that the two of them had planned to get married, and that they already planned everything from a to z, but just a month after he proposed, the girl ended their relationship. That sounded very familiar like it happened seven years ago, with him proposing, and us planning, and him not being able to stand up to his parents, leaving me hanging.

I wanted to point and laugh at him, saying "Haha! Serves you right!". But as mean as I may appear to be, I couldn't. I felt bad for him. So I just spewed out a few encouraging words and some empowering statements for good measure and sent him on his way. I think it's funny how everything in my world eventually comes full circle. Yesterday, a friend of mine told me "Love has no karma.", she said, "Think about it, did we ever deserve all the bad things that were done to us? No. We never did anything wrong to deserve the bad relationships. Hence, love has no karma.", she may have a point, but the thing is I don't really believe in karma. I believe that things happen, because they do... And if they happen to come full circle, then we say, "Thank you, World. As always, your irony has managed to amuse us!".

So, I guess, I shall succumb to thinking that the reason I am still single is not because I've been scared, or that I've been a victim of circumstance, or that I'm being picky, not even because the ex has scarred me for life, but because of how ironic the world tends to be. And despite the irony or hopefully because of it, and although, I may not believe in karma, I am hoping that just how the ex got what he gave, I too will one day get back the love that I gave.

I just hope that day comes soon, otherwise, the next time I see those two black birds canoodling on a light post at sunset, I'm picking up a rock.